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Parenting Support

Nov 23, 2024

Why doesn't my husband hear the kids?

The Evolutionary Roots of Mental Load Imbalance in Modern Parenting

Modern parenting often reveals a familiar dynamic: the “default parent” — typically the mother — bears the majority of the mental load. Even in partnerships where dads or husbands are described as loving, well-meaning, and eager to help when asked, there’s a common refrain from mothers: “He doesn’t hear the kids crying,” “He doesn’t think about the details,” or “He just sits on his phone instead of stepping in.” These frustrations can sometimes feel like selfishness, but the truth may lie deeper, rooted in evolutionary patterns developed over millennia.

By exploring the primitive origins of these behaviours, we can better understand why they exist and how to address them within modern partnerships.

The Hunter-Gatherer Dynamic: A Survival Blueprint

In our ancestral hunter-gatherer societies, survival required an efficient division of labour. This division wasn’t about gender inequality (that's patriarchy... another, future blog lol) but about playing to biological strengths in a harsh environment.

  • Men as Hunters: Men’s primary role was to hunt, a task requiring intense focus, strength, and endurance. To be successful hunters, men often had to prioritize their physical well-being, conserving energy and ensuring they were rested and ready to act. This meant that self-focus wasn’t selfishness—it was a survival strategy. A weak or distracted hunter could jeopardize the group’s food supply.
  • Women as Gatherers and Caregivers: Women’s role involved gathering food and caring for children, which required multitasking, planning, and constant vigilance. The ability to notice a child’s needs, anticipate potential dangers, and manage competing priorities was essential for the survival of the community.

These roles created complementary dynamics that ensured group survival. Each was vital, but they required different mental and physical approaches to daily life.

Why Ancient Instincts Still Influence Modern Life

Although our lifestyles have changed dramatically, the instincts shaped by those early roles remain embedded in human behaviour.

  • For Men: The instinct to focus on individual needs—whether it’s rest, food, or personal time—can feel natural, echoing their ancestral role of preserving their readiness to “provide.” This isn’t necessarily a conscious choice but an ingrained behavioural pattern.
  • For Women: The inclination to prioritize caregiving, attend to details, and manage the needs of others stems from their historical role as nurturers and protectors. These tendencies often lead women to shoulder the mental load in ways that can feel automatic and overwhelming.

The Modern Clash: Instincts vs. Collaboration

Today’s relationships require a collaborative model that values equity and shared responsibilities. But these ancient instincts often clash with modern expectations.

For example:

  • When men don’t automatically notice household needs or children’s cries, it may be because their evolutionary programming didn’t prioritize hyper-vigilance in caregiving roles.
  • When women feel burdened by invisible tasks—like tracking doctor’s appointments, packing lunches, or anticipating family needs—it’s because their instincts drive them to notice these details first.

These patterns, while rooted in care for the family’s collective well-being, can create frustration and resentment when they feel one-sided.

Heteronormative Dynamics in Queer Relationships

Even in queer relationships, the deeply ingrained "hunter-gatherer" dynamics from our evolutionary past can resurface. This isn’t because of "gender- based roles", but because societal norms often unconsciously shape how we navigate roles in relationships.

  • One partner may default to a “provider” role, focusing on work or external responsibilities, while the other takes on caregiving and household management.
  • These dynamics often mimic heteronormative models we’ve absorbed from culture, media, and family systems.

Understanding that these patterns stem from both evolution and societal conditioning—not personal flaws (like selfishness)—can help queer couples recognize and redefine their roles in ways that align with their unique partnership, fostering equity and collaboration.

**As a result, moving forward in this blog: we will refer to the dynamic not as simply "men" vs "women"... but the "hunter" and the "gatherer".

Reframing the Conversation Around 'Selfishness'

Rather than labeling these behaviours as selfish or dismissive, it’s helpful to view them as the echoes of a survival-driven past. This understanding can foster empathy and reduce blame:

  • The Hunter’s tendency to focus on themselves isn’t about neglecting their family but about an ancient drive to stay “ready.”
  • The Gatherer's inclination to take on the mental load isn’t a weakness but a testament to the skills that once ensured their community’s survival.

Understanding these dynamics isn’t about excusing imbalance but about identifying where it comes from so couples can work together to change it.

Breaking the Cycle: Moving Toward Collaborative Partnership

While evolutionary instincts may influence behaviour, they don’t define it. Couples can intentionally shift these patterns to create a more balanced and collaborative relationship.

  • For the hunter:
    • Practice attunement by actively observing and anticipating family needs without waiting to be asked.
    • Reframe self-care as something that also includes caregiving and shared responsibilities.
    • Understand that stepping in without prompting strengthens partnership and reduces resentment.
  • For the gatherer:
    • Share the mental load by delegating tasks and allowing partners to learn through experience.
    • Avoid micromanaging—perfection isn’t the goal; equity is.
    • Acknowledge that the caregiving instinct is strong but doesn’t have to define your role entirely.

How Couples Therapy Can Help

Couples therapy is an invaluable tool for navigating these dynamics. Therapists can help partners:

  • Build awareness of their unconscious patterns.
  • Develop strategies for shared responsibility.
  • Foster open communication about needs and expectations.

By addressing the root causes of frustration, couples can create a partnership that feels fair, supportive, and aligned with modern values.

Conclusion: Evolving Together

The mental load imbalance isn’t about selfishness or weakness—it’s a byproduct of an evolutionary past that no longer serves us. Understanding these dynamics provides a foundation for empathy, growth, and change. By working together, couples can adapt to the needs of today’s world, creating relationships that honour the journey from survival to collaboration.

Call to Action

If you and your partner struggle with navigating these dynamics, couples therapy can help. At VOX Mental Health, we specialize in helping couples understand their patterns, build stronger connections, and create balanced, fulfilling partnerships. Learn more about our services here.

From our specialists in
Parenting Support
:
Taran Scheel
Registered Social Worker, Psychotherapist
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Laura Fess
Registered Social Worker, Psychotherapist
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Michelle Williams
Registered Social Worker, Psychotherapist
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