Nov 23, 2024
The Evolutionary Roots of Mental Load Imbalance in Modern Parenting
Modern parenting often reveals a familiar dynamic: the “default parent” — typically the mother — bears the majority of the mental load. Even in partnerships where dads or husbands are described as loving, well-meaning, and eager to help when asked, there’s a common refrain from mothers: “He doesn’t hear the kids crying,” “He doesn’t think about the details,” or “He just sits on his phone instead of stepping in.” These frustrations can sometimes feel like selfishness, but the truth may lie deeper, rooted in evolutionary patterns developed over millennia.
By exploring the primitive origins of these behaviours, we can better understand why they exist and how to address them within modern partnerships.
In our ancestral hunter-gatherer societies, survival required an efficient division of labour. This division wasn’t about gender inequality (that's patriarchy... another, future blog lol) but about playing to biological strengths in a harsh environment.
These roles created complementary dynamics that ensured group survival. Each was vital, but they required different mental and physical approaches to daily life.
Although our lifestyles have changed dramatically, the instincts shaped by those early roles remain embedded in human behaviour.
Today’s relationships require a collaborative model that values equity and shared responsibilities. But these ancient instincts often clash with modern expectations.
For example:
These patterns, while rooted in care for the family’s collective well-being, can create frustration and resentment when they feel one-sided.
Even in queer relationships, the deeply ingrained "hunter-gatherer" dynamics from our evolutionary past can resurface. This isn’t because of "gender- based roles", but because societal norms often unconsciously shape how we navigate roles in relationships.
Understanding that these patterns stem from both evolution and societal conditioning—not personal flaws (like selfishness)—can help queer couples recognize and redefine their roles in ways that align with their unique partnership, fostering equity and collaboration.
**As a result, moving forward in this blog: we will refer to the dynamic not as simply "men" vs "women"... but the "hunter" and the "gatherer".
Rather than labeling these behaviours as selfish or dismissive, it’s helpful to view them as the echoes of a survival-driven past. This understanding can foster empathy and reduce blame:
Understanding these dynamics isn’t about excusing imbalance but about identifying where it comes from so couples can work together to change it.
While evolutionary instincts may influence behaviour, they don’t define it. Couples can intentionally shift these patterns to create a more balanced and collaborative relationship.
Couples therapy is an invaluable tool for navigating these dynamics. Therapists can help partners:
By addressing the root causes of frustration, couples can create a partnership that feels fair, supportive, and aligned with modern values.
The mental load imbalance isn’t about selfishness or weakness—it’s a byproduct of an evolutionary past that no longer serves us. Understanding these dynamics provides a foundation for empathy, growth, and change. By working together, couples can adapt to the needs of today’s world, creating relationships that honour the journey from survival to collaboration.
If you and your partner struggle with navigating these dynamics, couples therapy can help. At VOX Mental Health, we specialize in helping couples understand their patterns, build stronger connections, and create balanced, fulfilling partnerships. Learn more about our services here.