What is Couples Therapy?

According to Dr. John Gottman, couples often wait an average of six years before seeking out couples therapy. That's a long time to struggle with unresolved issues and communication challenges.During this time, couples may unknowingly fall into patterns that make it challenging to address their concerns, but with awareness and support, these patterns can be understood and transformed into healthier ways of connecting.

The Misconception of Couples Therapy

Many couples believe they should be able to work through difficulties on their own without outside help. Others may feel guilt or shame about seeking therapy, thinking that they’re not good at communicating or that conflict shouldn’t exist if they truly love each other. However, these beliefs can be more harmful than helpful, and more importantly, they’re not accurate.

Conflict in relationships is natural—after all, you and your partner are two individuals with unique backgrounds, triggers, and expectations. Disagreements are inevitable, but what matters is how you navigate those conflicts. It’s not the presence of conflict, but your response to it, that determines the health and longevity of your relationship.

What Therapy is Really Like

In my experience, most of us didn’t have the opportunity to take a couples communication class in high school. Couples therapy is an opportunity to learn how to be a better partner. It’s not about blame, fault, or criticism—it's about learning new tools to nurture and strengthen your relationship.

Couples therapy focuses on helping you both develop the skills that can guide you toward a healthier dynamic. It’s essential to understand that conflict does not equal failure. A good therapist will help you reframe the idea that disagreement is inherently negative. Instead of viewing conflict as something wrong, couples therapy allows you to explore it as a natural part of being in relationship. A therapist can help you identify where conflict arises, how you both respond to it, and how you can repair and reconnect after challenging moments.

Who is the Client in Couples Therapy?

In couples therapy, the 'client' is the relationship itself. This can be an unfamiliar concept, but it’s an important distinction. The therapist is not taking sides; their goal is to help the relationship grow and flourish. You and your partner are coming to therapy with the understanding that the concerns are not simply about one person, but about the relationship as a whole.

That being said, individual therapy can be a helpful complement to couples therapy. Sometimes, personal mental health challenges can impact the relationship. In these cases, individual therapy can offer a safe space to address those concerns separately, without complicating the therapeutic work being done as a couple.

What is My Therapist Assessing For?

Therapists use assessments to gain a deeper understanding of how you interact with each other, what challenges you're facing, and how these dynamics affect the relationship. This allows the therapist to identify patterns of behaviour and communication that may be hindering your connection.

In the Gottman Method, assessment is twofold. The therapist looks at each individual’s personality, needs, and triggers, and then examines how these factors intersect within the relationship. The therapist’s role is to observe how each person strives to meet their own needs within the relationship and to understand where these efforts may inadvertently create barriers to healthy communication and connection.

The Oral History: Telling ‘The Story of Us’

The first session in Gottman Method therapy is an opportunity to share the “oral history” of your relationship. During this session, you’ll talk about how you met, the milestones in your relationship, and any significant challenges or successes you’ve faced together. This helps the therapist begin to understand your unique journey and the context of your relationship.

The therapist will also ask you to discuss a recurring issue in your relationship that has been difficult to resolve. While it may feel vulnerable to do this in front of a therapist, this step is vital. It helps the therapist identify which areas need attention, such as conflict resolution, emotional regulation, or repair strategies. Addressing these ongoing issues early on helps the therapist tailor the course of therapy to your specific needs.

Vent Sessions

In the second and third sessions, each partner will have a one-on-one session with the therapist. These "vent sessions" are not about keeping secrets from your partner; rather, they provide a space to express your concerns, fears, and hopes for therapy in a more private setting. It allows you to build a trusting relationship with the therapist and ensures that they understand your individual perspective, which helps them advocate for both of you during the therapeutic process.

The Path Forward: Tailored Interventions for Growth

By the time you return for your fourth session, your therapist will have gathered valuable insights about your relationship’s dynamics. This isn’t about assessing what’s wrong; rather, it’s about identifying areas of growth and strength. The therapist will share their observations and offer a personalized approach to help guide you both through the process of building a stronger, more resilient relationship.

As a couple, you’ll begin to explore specific tools and interventions that are tailored to your unique needs. These interventions are not one-size-fits-all; they are designed to help you communicate more effectively, navigate conflicts with empathy, and deepen your connection. Whether it’s learning how to repair after disagreements or understanding each other’s emotional triggers, your therapist will work with you both to find solutions that fit your relationship.

Guiding You Through Change

The therapy journey is not just about identifying problems; it’s about creating lasting change. With each session, your therapist will help you integrate these new skills into your relationship in a way that feels authentic to both of you. The goal is not perfection, but progress — learning to show up for each other in a more supportive and understanding way.

Trust in the process and know that every step you take together is building a stronger foundation for your relationship. The interventions you work on with your therapist are evidence-based strategies that have helped countless couples thrive, and they’re tailored specifically to help you both grow.

If you’re ready to take the next step, reach out to VOX Mental Health and begin the journey of building the relationship you’ve always wanted. With time, patience, and the right tools, you can transform your relationship into something even more fulfilling.