Sep 19, 2024
The mental load of motherhood is often an invisible burden, one that extends far beyond the visible tasks of daily life. It involves the constant thinking, planning, and organizing that mothers, particularly those who are the "default parent," must manage. This hidden mental load includes everything from remembering doctor’s appointments to managing school schedules, meal planning, and household chores, all while balancing their careers, relationships, and self-care. Mothers, by default, often bear the weight of ensuring their family’s emotional, physical, and practical needs are met.
Recently, US Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy, a father of two, issued a public health advisory warning about the intense pressures that modern parents are under, especially mothers. His warning comes amidst mounting evidence that parenting stress has reached a critical level in the United States. According to a 2023 American Psychological Association survey, 41% of parents reported they feel unable to function most days due to stress, and 48% said they are completely overwhelmed by it (Murthy, 2024). Dr. Murthy's advisory acknowledges that the mental and emotional burden placed on parents has grown to the extent that it poses a significant public health crisis.
For many mothers, being the "default parent" means shouldering the majority of both the mental and emotional labour. This includes tasks that are often unseen or under-appreciated, such as remembering appointments, buying birthday gifts, and being the family's emotional manager. The hidden nature of this load means that, while mothers may not always be doing physical work, they are constantly mentally engaged, often multitasking and problem-solving around the clock. This burden leads to chronic stress, anxiety, emotional exhaustion, and feelings of isolation.
The cumulative impact of these responsibilities can affect a mother's ability to regulate her emotions and maintain mental well-being. According to sociological research, managing this mental load impacts mothers' ability to participate fully in the workforce or pursue personal goals, leading to burnout and lower levels of personal fulfillment (Duxbury, 2023).
The solution to alleviating the mental load of motherhood lies in more equitable distribution of both visible and invisible tasks. Co-parents can play a significant role in lessening the mental burden by being proactive in household management. Here are a few strategies:
The impact of carrying this mental load is not just emotional but also neurological. The constant stress of managing so many competing tasks can cause dysregulation in the brain’s stress-response system. This leads to increased levels of cortisol, a hormone that, in excess, can impair memory, decision-making, and emotional regulation. Prolonged exposure to such stressors increases the risk of anxiety, depression, and burnout in mothers. It also leaves them vulnerable to emotional volatility, contributing to feelings of resentment or guilt when things go wrong.
Moreover, the mental load can also affect the family as a whole. Children can sense when their parent is stressed or emotionally unavailable, which can impact their emotional development and create tension within the family unit. Addressing this imbalance is not only vital for the mother's mental health but also for the overall well-being of the family.
The mental load of motherhood is an unspoken, yet ever-present burden for many women. Its impact on mental health is profound, affecting everything from emotional regulation to overall life satisfaction. As Dr. Murthy’s advisory warns, the weight parents carry has grown into a public health issue, one that needs attention. By fostering open communication, encouraging equal distribution of tasks, and advocating for structural changes that support mothers, families can start alleviating this invisible load.
Therapy provides a safe space for couples and families to address the mental load and the pressures it brings, offering tools to navigate difficult conversations that might otherwise escalate into conflict. Couples therapy helps partners truly hear and understand each other, creating a more effective way to manage stress together. It also helps deconstruct gender-based role norms, offering psychoeducation on what true partnership involves—moving beyond traditional roles and working together to share responsibilities in a way that feels fair and balanced for both partners. Through open dialogue and support, therapy empowers couples to build healthier, more equitable relationships.
BBC. (2021, May 18). The hidden load: How thinking of everything holds mums back. https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20210518-the-hidden-load-how-thinking-of-everything-holds-mums-back
Elser, K. (2024, July 29). What is parental mental load? Managing a household is worth $3.8 trillion in economic value, survey says. Forbes. https://www.forbes.com/sites/kimelsesser/2024/07/29/what-is-parental-mental-load-managing-a-household-is-worth-38-trillion-in-economic-value-survey-says/
Matsuda, H. (2024, September 1). Parenting stress tips from Surgeon General Vivek Murthy. CNN. https://www.cnn.com/2024/09/01/health/parenting-stress-tips-surgeon-general-wellness/index.html
Schieman, S., & Glavin, P. (2019). The pressures of work-family conflict on maternal mental load. *American Sociological Review*, 84(2), 150-173. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0003122419859007?journalCode=asra
Strauss, A. (2023, February 24). Moms feel like they can never relax: The invisible mental load of motherhood. HuffPost. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/mom-mental-load_l_63f7a67ee4b0616708e04d9a
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