Apr 9, 2025
Trigger Warning: This article discusses consent, sexual avoidance, and emotional outcomes related to unwanted sex in long-term relationships. Please take care of yourself as needed.
When we think of sexual health in relationships, the presence of consent is often seen as the gold standard. But what if consent doesn’t tell the full story? What if the emotional, psychological, and relational toll of saying “yes” when you truly mean “no” isn't fully understood? A groundbreaking study by Cami Hurst, LAMFT, NCC, CST, with 1,023 participants, provides a powerful lens through which to examine this very issue: the complex and often unspoken impact of consenting to unwanted sex (CUS) in long-term relationships.
Many women—without a history of sexual trauma—find themselves in situations where they agree to sex out of a sense of obligation or to preserve relationship harmony. These women often don’t see their behavior as harmful at first. They might feel that they’re fulfilling a partner’s needs or keeping the peace. But, over time, the emotional and physical consequences of this pattern can be profound.
The research revealed that women experiencing duty sex—a term used to describe sexual activity undertaken out of obligation rather than desire—often begin to feel the following:
It’s essential to note that many women involved in the study did not initially identify their experience as harmful. In fact, the majority of women engaged in this pattern for years before the emotional toll became undeniable. However, as time went on, they began to notice subtle but powerful emotional and physical shifts.
Women described a gradual erosion of sexual desire, with some even reporting that they felt “repulsed” by sex after prolonged patterns of acquiescence. The emotional outcome was similarly distressing. Over time, many women began to feel a deep sense of resentment, which made the act of intimacy feel more like a transactional exchange than a loving, connected experience.
The emotional impact of duty sex is more than just about sexual frustration; it reaches into the core of emotional wellbeing and relational satisfaction. The research found that women in long-term relationships who engage in unwanted sex often experience:
As one participant expressed: “It feels easier to cope with to just have sex and know that I will have a day or a few days of peace where I don't have to worry about his advances.”
Over time, these unresolved emotional experiences lead to greater difficulty in maintaining intimacy, both physically and emotionally. The study found that, as sexual resentment built, women became more likely to feel disconnected from their partners, unable to see intimacy as a mutually enriching experience. Instead, it felt like an obligation.
A key finding of the study was that many women did not recognize emotional coercion in their relationships. The subtle but pervasive pressure to consent to sex—even when they didn’t want to—was often described as “pouty,” “sad,” or emotionally manipulative rather than physically coercive. These women did not recognize the emotional and verbal manipulation as coercion. Over time, this unrecognized coercion exacerbated feelings of guilt, shame, and frustration.
The study’s findings highlight a critical gap in how we understand consent. True consent is not just about the act of saying “yes.” It’s about feeling emotionally and physically safe enough to say “no.” Women must be able to express their boundaries without fear of judgment or relational consequences.
True consent involves:
Cami Hurst’s research is vital because it underscores the need to reconsider the dynamics of consent and intimacy in long-term relationships. Too often, we focus solely on the presence of consent, overlooking the profound emotional impact of duty sex on women’s sexual health and overall wellbeing. Women who consent to unwanted sex may not realize the psychological toll it takes until resentment, avoidance, and emotional detachment have already taken root.
This study challenges us to rethink how we view consent, and to advocate for a broader understanding of sexual health—one that includes emotional safety, mutual respect, and true intimacy, not just physical agreement.
The findings from this research remind us that consent isn’t simply about an affirmative “yes.” True intimacy requires honesty, mutual respect, and emotional safety. Women should be able to prioritize their own desires and comfort without fear of being dismissed, pressured, or coerced.
If you find yourself relating to these patterns in your relationship, it may be helpful to seek professional guidance. Therapy, particularly with a trauma-informed therapist, can help process these experiences, rebuild emotional intimacy, and develop healthier relational patterns moving forward.
In Summary:
Women in long-term relationships often experience a profound emotional toll when engaging in duty sex—even when it is consensual. The emotional impact of this pattern includes resentment, emotional detachment, and a significant decrease in sexual desire. While many women don’t recognize this as harmful at first, long-term exposure can have a severe effect on overall wellbeing and intimacy in the relationship.
If you’ve experienced the emotional strain of duty sex or are navigating intimacy challenges in your relationship, know that you are not alone. Understanding your feelings and needs is the first step toward reclaiming your emotional and sexual wellbeing. If you’re ready to explore these complex dynamics further, reach out to our team at VOX Mental Health. We’re here to support you in building healthy, meaningful connections.
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