As parents, caregivers, and educators, we play a crucial role in helping children feel safe, heard, and supported. One key area that often causes confusion is the difference between keeping secrets and keeping surprises. This distinction is essential, as teaching children to keep secrets—especially in the context of potential harm—can unintentionally lead to situations where they might feel silenced or unsafe. In this blog, we’ll explore the difference between secrets and surprises, and how to foster open communication with your child to ensure they feel empowered to speak up when needed (find their 'vox').

Secrets vs. Surprises: What’s the Difference?

The key distinction between a secret and a surprise is time and intent.

• Secrets are something we ask children to keep hidden indefinitely, often with no clear resolution. This can be confusing and lead to feelings of guilt, shame, or anxiety, particularly if a child is asked to keep a secret that makes them uncomfortable. Secrets can also be associated with unsafe situations or inappropriate behaviour, such as being told not to tell a parent or trusted adult about something that feels wrong.
• Surprises, on the other hand, are temporary. They have a joyful resolution that everyone looks forward to—like a surprise birthday party or a gift. A surprise is kept for a short time, and then shared with everyone involved, bringing excitement and happiness. Surprises don’t carry the weight of secrecy, and there’s an end in sight that makes it safe and fun.

Why Secrets Can Be Harmful

Children are naturally trusting and may not always know when a secret is harmful. When adults or peers ask a child to keep a secret, particularly one that involves harm or discomfort, it teaches them that silence is expected, even in unsafe situations. This is why it’s important to help kids understand that keeping secrets—especially ones that make them feel bad—is never okay.

Secrets can create confusion around what’s right or wrong. A child may feel unsure if they are betraying someone’s trust by telling a secret, even when that secret is harmful. If a child doesn’t have the language or understanding to navigate these situations, they may choose to stay silent, which could lead to more significant issues down the line.

Creating a Safe Space: The “No Secrets” Rule

One of the best ways to prevent a child from feeling silenced is to establish a “no secrets” rule in your household. This rule encourages open communication and removes the ambiguity around what’s appropriate to keep to themselves. Here are a few guidelines for implementing this rule:

• Explain the Difference: Clearly explain the difference between a secret and a surprise to your child. Let them know that surprises are fun and exciting but always have an ending where everyone gets to know the secret. In contrast, secrets are never okay to keep if they make them feel sad, scared, or uncomfortable.
• Reinforce Safe Communication: Encourage your child to come to you with anything that makes them uncomfortable. Let them know that it’s always okay to tell an adult they trust if something doesn’t feel right—no matter who asked them to keep it a secret.
• Use Age-Appropriate Language: For younger children, it can be helpful to keep the language simple. For example, “A surprise is something fun that we don’t tell someone until a certain time—like a birthday present! But a secret is something we don’t tell anyone, and if someone tells you to keep a secret that makes you feel bad or uncomfortable, you should always tell an adult you trust.”
• Practice with Examples: Role-playing can help reinforce these concepts. Use examples like, “If a friend says not to tell anyone that they broke something, is that a secret or a surprise?” and “If we’re planning a surprise party for your brother, is that a secret or a surprise?” Practicing these scenarios can help your child learn to differentiate between healthy surprises and harmful secrets.

Empowering Your Child to Speak Up

Children need to feel that they have a voice and that their concerns will be heard and validated. Here’s how you can create an environment that empowers your child to speak up:

• Model Open Communication: Make sure your child knows that no topic is off-limits. If they see you openly discussing feelings, concerns, and problems, they’ll be more likely to come to you when something is troubling them.
• Provide Consistent Reassurance: Reassure your child that they will never get in trouble for telling you something that makes them uncomfortable, even if someone else asked them to keep it a secret. Remind them that their safety and well-being are the most important things to you.
• Teach Consent and Boundaries: It’s also important to teach children about consent and personal boundaries. Help them understand that no one should ask them to keep a secret about their body, their feelings, or anything that feels wrong.
• Offer Trusted Adults: In addition to yourself, make sure your child knows who the other trusted adults in their life are. Whether it’s a teacher, grandparent, or family friend, having multiple safe people to talk to can make a child feel more secure.

What to Do if Your Child Discloses a Secret

If your child shares a secret with you—especially one that involves potential harm—remain calm and supportive (really hard to do, so this is not a judgement!!). The last thing you want is to make the child feel like they’ve done something wrong. Thank them for trusting you with the information and let them know that you will help keep them safe.

Work through the steps together to address the issue, whether that involves talking to a teacher, another caregiver, or seeking professional support. Reinforce that they did the right thing by coming to you and that their safety is the priority.

Conclusion

By helping children understand the difference between secrets and surprises, we can empower them to speak up when something doesn’t feel right. In a world where open communication and trust are critical, creating a “no secrets” environment and encouraging children to trust their instincts builds a strong foundation for safety and emotional well-being. Children should know that surprises are meant to bring joy, while secrets can sometimes bring confusion or harm—and it’s always okay to talk to someone they trust.

Parenting Support at VOX Mental Health

Parenting isn’t easy, and navigating challenging conversations like these can feel overwhelming. At VOX Mental Health, we’re here to support you. Our team of compassionate, trauma-informed therapists offers parenting support and family therapy to help you create a safe, open environment where your children feel empowered and heard. Whether you’re working on building communication, addressing behavioural challenges, or strengthening family bonds, we’re here to guide you every step of the way.

Contact us today to learn more about how we can help your family thrive. Together, we can create a space where every voice matters.