***TRIGGER WARNING: This blog discusses topics related to sexual and marital coercion, sexual consent, purity culture, and the historical oppression of women’s autonomy. If these topics are distressing for you, please take care while reading, or feel free to skip altogether.***

Sex as a ‘Duty’ or a Choice?

In many cultures, women have been conditioned to believe that sex is something they owe—to their partners, to their marriages, to societal expectations. While purity culture has explicitly tied this expectation to religious doctrine, secular patriarchal norms have long reinforced the same message.

Women’s bodies are often commodified, objectified, and treated as a resource, rather than belonging to the women themselves. Whether through media, legal systems, or cultural expectations, the idea persists: women’s role is to be available, accommodating, and sexually accessible—whether they want to or not.

This deeply ingrained expectation is what fuels the concept of ‘duty sex’—the idea that women have an obligation to provide sex, regardless of their own desire.

How Patriarchy Shaped ‘Duty Sex’

Sexual consent is a fundamental aspect of bodily autonomy, yet many women struggle with a deep-seated sense of obligation around sex. This is not accidental; it is the result of a long history of patriarchal structures that have positioned women’s bodies as existing for the service of men.

While patriarchy uses religious frameworks to justify duty sex, its roots extend far beyond modern evangelical purity culture teachings. Historically, patriarchal systems have shaped laws, social norms, and marital expectations, limiting women’s ability to fully access their own agency, voice, and desires—even within consensual marriages.

This blog explores how patriarchy has historically shaped marriage, sexuality, and consent, the psychological impact of duty sex, and how women can begin the process of reclaiming their right to say both “yes” and “no” in ways that honour their personal autonomy.

The Historical Roots of Duty Sex

The concept of duty sex is not unique to evangelical purity culture; it is a byproduct of patriarchal structures that have historically positioned women as property and marriage as a contractual exchange of rights over a woman’s body.

Marriage as an Institution of Control

In many ancient societies, marriage was not based on love, intimacy, or mutual fulfillment—it was an economic and political arrangement. Women were often considered the property of their fathers until marriage, at which point ownership was transferred to their husbands.

• In Ancient Rome, the concept of manus (literally meaning “hand”) gave the husband legal authority over his wife, including control over her body, finances, and legal status.
• In medieval Europe, marriage contracts explicitly transferred sexual rights from the bride to the groom, often without requiring her consent.
• English common law upheld the doctrine of coverture, meaning that upon marriage, a woman’s legal identity was absorbed into her husband’s, and she had no independent legal standing.

The Marital Rape Exemption

For centuries, women had no legal right to refuse sex within marriage. This was codified in Western legal systems through what became known as the marital rape exemption, which assumed that marriage itself constituted perpetual consent.

• Sir Matthew Hale, a 17th-century English jurist, wrote that “the husband cannot be guilty of a rape committed by himself upon his lawful wife, for by their mutual matrimonial consent and contract, the wife hath given up herself.”
• This exemption remained in place in many Western legal systems until the late 20th century. In Canada, marital rape was only criminalized in 1983, and in some U.S. states, it was not outlawed until the 1990s.

This historical precedent laid the foundation for modern purity culture teachings, which frame a woman’s sexual availability as a fundamental duty within marriage rather than a choice rooted in mutual consent.

Religious Reinforcement of Duty Sex

While patriarchy is not inherently religious, many religious traditions have reinforced patriarchal gender roles that prioritize male authority and female submission.

• Early Christian teachings interpreted passages like Ephesians 5:22 (“Wives, submit to your husbands…”) as requiring unquestioning obedience, including in sexual matters.
• The Protestant Reformation further emphasized gendered roles, positioning men as the “spiritual heads” of households and women as caretakers.
• Contemporary purity culture, particularly in evangelical spaces, continues this tradition by teaching that a wife’s sexual availability is essential to a healthy marriage.

This messaging frames sexual refusal not as an assertion of bodily autonomy, but as a form of marital neglect—which fundamentally distorts the concept of consent.

How Patriarchy Distorts Consent in Marriage

True consent requires autonomy, mutuality, and the ability to say both “yes” and “no” without fear of coercion or consequence. However, patriarchal gender roles make this nearly impossible within traditional purity culture frameworks.

1. Sex as a Marital Obligation
   Many women are taught that sex is something they owe their husbands rather than a shared experience based on mutual desire. Phrases like:
   • “A good wife meets her husband’s needs.”
   • “If you don’t have sex with him, he will struggle with temptation.”
   • “Men feel love through sex; women feel love through connection.”
   These messages place the burden of sexual fulfillment entirely on women, rather than fostering a dynamic where both partners’ needs, comfort, and preferences are valued.
2. Fear-Based Compliance
   Women are often told that withholding sex leads to marital dissatisfaction, infidelity, or even divorce. This creates a coercive environment where women feel pressured to comply rather than truly consent.
3. Psychological and Physiological Disconnection
   Over time, women who engage in sex out of obligation rather than desire may experience:
   • Dissociation—a psychological coping mechanism where they mentally disconnect from their bodies during intimacy.
   • Sexual pain conditions (such as vaginismus), where the body physically resists penetration due to unconscious distress.
   • Loss of sexual agency, as they have never been encouraged to explore their own desires.

Rebuilding a Healthy Understanding of Consent

Healing from duty sex conditioning requires a fundamental shift in how we understand consent, pleasure, and personal agency.

1. Redefining Consent in Marriage
   • Consent must be ongoing—it is never a one-time agreement.
   • Consent must be enthusiastic—not given out of obligation or fear.
   • Consent must be revocable—just because someone has consented before does not mean they must always consent.
2. Reclaiming Sexual Autonomy
   Women raised in purity culture may need to relearn their own desires, asking questions like:
   • What do I enjoy?
   • What feels good for me?
   • How do I want to experience intimacy on my own terms?
3. Undoing Guilt and Shame Around Saying No
   Women must be able to say no to sex without fear of punishment, withdrawal, or emotional consequences. Healthy relationships honour boundaries rather than frame them as rejection.
4. Expanding the Definition of Intimacy
   Physical connection in marriage does not have to mean duty-driven sex. Partners can cultivate emotional intimacy, physical touch, and affection without the expectation of intercourse.

Conclusion

Women do not owe anyone their bodies—not their partners, not their marriages, and certainly not societal expectations.

Sex is not an obligation. It is an intimate, mutual, and fully consensual choice.

If you’ve been conditioned to believe otherwise, you are not alone—and you are allowed to relearn, reclaim, and redefine what consent means for you.

The concept of duty sex is a legacy of patriarchal systems that have historically treated women’s bodies as property. Religious systems like those encouraged by Purity Culture reinforces these beliefs by wrapping them in spiritual language, making it even harder for women to recognize coercion and reclaim their agency.

Relearning consent after coercive teachings requires unpacking historical narratives, challenging patriarchal norms, and rebuilding a healthy, autonomous relationship with one’s own body and desires.

True intimacy is never rooted in obligation or fear—it is built on mutual respect, consent, and the freedom to choose.

We are here to help!

If you've struggled with internalized pressure around sex, difficulty setting boundaries, or the lingering effects of coercive social conditioning, you are not alone.

At VOX Mental Health, our trauma-informed therapists understand the deep impact of patriarchal conditioning, purity culture, and coercive consent dynamics on mental and emotional well-being.

We offer individual therapy, couples therapy, and psychoeducation to help you:
💛 Unlearn harmful narratives about sex and obligation
💛 Reconnect with your body’s natural responses and boundaries
💛 Develop a healthier, more autonomous understanding of intimacy
💛 Navigate relationships where past conditioning still affects your choices

Your voice matters. Your body belongs to you. Your consent is yours to give—or not.

📍 Serving clients across Ontario, in-person and virtually.
📞 Ready to start your journey? Visit www.voxmentalhealth.com to book a session today.