Mar 16, 2025
Conflict is inevitable in relationships, but the way we navigate it can either strengthen our bonds or erode trust. One of the most harmful communication patterns in conflict is gaslighting, where a person’s reality is denied or minimized, leaving them doubting their own experiences. In contrast, greenlighting is a healthier approach that validates emotions, fosters understanding, and encourages open dialogue.
Research in psychology, particularly in attachment theory and trauma studies, highlights how chronic gaslighting can lead to anxiety, self-doubt, and even symptoms of complex PTSD (C-PTSD). Dr. Jennifer Freyd’s research on Betrayal Trauma Theory explains that when someone close to us (such as a partner or family member) repeatedly denies our reality, it can create cognitive dissonance, making it harder to trust our own perceptions.
Below, we’ll explore common gaslighting phrases and their greenlighting alternatives—showing how small shifts in language can create a more supportive and emotionally safe environment.
Gaslighting: “You’re too dramatic. That’s not how it happened.”
Greenlighting: “I don’t remember it that way, but I want to understand your perspective. Can you talk to me about it?”
Gaslighting dismisses someone’s emotions, making them feel irrational. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, in The Body Keeps the Score, explains that when people experience emotional invalidation, their nervous system may perceive it as a threat, leading to heightened stress responses. Greenlighting, on the other hand, acknowledges different perspectives while remaining open to discussion.
Gaslighting: “Our family is perfectly fine. You’re the only one who thinks there’s a problem—maybe you’re the issue.”
Greenlighting: “I don’t see a big problem, but I’m open to hearing what you’re experiencing.”
When concerns are invalidated, people may feel isolated and silenced. Emotionally immature family systems, as described by Dr. Lindsay Gibson in Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, often rely on gaslighting to maintain a fragile status quo. Greenlighting allows for differing viewpoints while leaving room for conversation and problem-solving.
Gaslighting: “Your problems aren’t real problems. Just focus on your homework, and you’ll be fine.”
Greenlighting: “I know you’re dealing with a lot, and your feelings are valid. Let’s talk about your concerns and find a way to help you focus on your studies too.”
Dismissing someone’s struggles makes them feel unseen. Studies in validation theory (Dr. Marsha Linehan’s work in DBT) show that emotional validation leads to better emotional regulation, resilience, and healthier relationships. Greenlighting reassures people that their emotions matter while inviting collaboration in finding solutions.
Gaslighting: “You’re so selfish for wanting time to yourself. Everything is always about you, isn’t it?”
Greenlighting: “I get that you need some time for yourself. Let’s figure out how to balance that with our family’s needs.”
Gaslighting frames self-care as selfishness. Dr. Nedra Tawwab, in Set Boundaries, Find Peace, explains that people who struggle with boundaries often come from environments where their needs were invalidated. Greenlighting acknowledges individual needs while ensuring mutual respect.
Gaslighting: “There’s nothing wrong with our family. You’re just making things up to cause drama.”
Greenlighting: “I understand that you feel something is wrong. Let’s sit down and talk about what’s bothering you and how we can address it.”
Gaslighting accuses someone of overreacting, while greenlighting creates space where concerns can be shared. Relational psychology emphasizes that when individuals feel heard and validated, conflict resolution becomes more productive and attachment bonds strengthen.
Gaslighting: “You’re always overreacting. No one else gets as emotional as you do.”
Greenlighting: “I notice that you’re feeling very emotional. Can we discuss what’s triggering these feelings and how we can support you?”
Comparing emotional responses to others can make someone feel ashamed. Neuroscience research shows that repeated emotional invalidation impacts the brain’s limbic system, increasing stress hormones like cortisol, which can contribute to anxiety and depression. Greenlighting acknowledges emotions without judgment and offers support.
Gaslighting creates confusion, self-doubt, and emotional distress, while greenlighting fosters empathy, understanding, and healthy conflict resolution. Whether in families, friendships, or romantic relationships, shifting from gaslighting to greenlighting can transform the way we communicate—leading to deeper trust and emotional safety.
The next time you find yourself in a conflict, consider how your words impact the other person. Are you dismissing their feelings, or are you opening the door to understanding? Small changes in language can make a big difference.
If you’ve experienced chronic gaslighting or struggle with conflict in your relationships, therapy can help you rebuild trust in yourself and others. At VOX Mental Health, our team of trauma-informed therapists specializes in helping individuals and couples navigate difficult conversations, set healthy boundaries, and improve emotional regulation.
Book a session today at www.voxmentalhealth.com and take the first step toward healthier, more validating relationships.
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