Regret is a universal human experience, yet it’s often seen as a negative emotion to be avoided at all costs. However, recent insights from neuroscience and psychology challenge this conventional wisdom, suggesting that regret can be a powerful catalyst for personal growth and improved decision-making. In the words of author Daniel Pink, “Regret is the quintessential upward counterfactual—the ultimate If Only. The source of its power, scientists are discovering, is that it muddles the conventional pain-pleasure calculus. Its very purpose is to make us feel worse—because by making us feel worse today, regret helps us do better tomorrow.”

Understanding Regret Through Neuroscience

Regret is a form of counterfactual thinking, where we mentally simulate alternative scenarios and outcomes. This process engages the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for planning and decision-making, and the anterior cingulate cortex, which plays a role in error detection and emotional regulation. By reflecting on past decisions and their outcomes, our brains create a roadmap for better choices in the future.

From the perspective of neuroscience, leaning into our feelings, including regret, allows us to process these emotions and extract valuable lessons. In her book "Emotional Agility," Susan David explains that emotions are data, not directives. By acknowledging and exploring our feelings, we gain insights into our values, motivations, and areas for growth. This approach aligns with the concept of emotional agility, which emphasizes the importance of being open to our emotions, even the uncomfortable ones, to navigate life's challenges more effectively.

The Cultural Myth of "No Regrets"

In many cultures, particularly in Western societies, there is a pervasive narrative that we should live life with "no regrets." This mindset is often glorified as a sign of strength and resilience. However, this cultural ideal presents two major problems:

1. It's Not Possible: Regret is an inherent part of the human experience. We all make mistakes and encounter situations we wish had turned out differently. Pretending we have no regrets is unrealistic and can lead to emotional suppression.
2. It Stops Us from Understanding the Purpose of Regret: By avoiding regret, we miss out on its valuable lessons. Regret helps us reflect on our past actions, understand their consequences, and make better decisions in the future. It is a crucial tool for personal development and emotional growth.

Suppressing regret can create a disconnect between our actions and our values. By pretending we have no regrets, we might continue behaviours that are misaligned with our true selves, perpetuating a cycle of poor decision-making. In contrast, embracing regret allows us to confront our mistakes, understand their impact, and realign our actions with our core values.

Harnessing the Power of Regret

Leaning into regret requires a shift in perspective. Instead of viewing regret as a failure, we can see it as a feedback mechanism that guides us toward better outcomes. Here are some steps to harness the power of regret:

1. Acknowledge Your Emotions: Allow yourself to feel regret without judgment. Recognize that it’s a natural and informative emotion.
2. Reflect on the Experience: Analyse the decisions and actions that led to your regret. What can you learn from the situation?
3. Identify Underlying Values: Determine what values were compromised or overlooked. How can you align your future actions with these values?
4. Plan for the Future: Use the insights gained from your reflection to make more informed and value-driven decisions moving forward.

By embracing regret and using it as a tool for growth, we can transform our past mistakes into valuable lessons. This approach not only enhances our decision-making abilities but also fosters a deeper understanding of ourselves and the world around us.

For many, therapy provides a roadmap for leaning into understanding our past behaviours, and adapting our future roadmap to include the lessons we have learned along the way. Our team at VOX Mental Health is here to walk with you through seasons of regret.

‍